THE PROFESSOR PART 3
October 6th, 2008 | Published in Scripts
THE PROFESSOR PART 3
THE COOLEST TEACHER ON CAMPUS
Over the past couple of weeks we’ve been talking about teaching in college. It’s something that a lot of Boomers think they might like to try. It’s something I’ve thought about over the years, and now that I’m teaching, well it’s nothing like the fantasy. I know it’s kind of shallow, but I wanted to be the coolest teacher on campus. Bright, witty, adored by my students, especially some beautiful young co-ed. She’d worship me. We’d have a brief torrid affair. I’d introduce her to the music of The Monkeys and The 1910 Fruit Gum Company. I’d come thiiiiis close to throwing my life away but then come to my senses, break her heart, and go back to my loving wife having had a totally awesome mid-life crisis. It would be my life as the perfect bad Michael Douglas movie. Well, it’s not like that at all. First of all, the prettiest co-ed in my class, I keep thinking that I want to fix her up with my son. I know that’s healthy, but I really hate it. Secondly, the coolest teacher on campus is about twenty-eight years old. I hate that too. My only shot is to be the coolest really old guy on campus. Ya Hoo. And thirdly, when it comes to the actual teaching, there are problems. The thing is I was never much of a student myself and it turns out that I’m having the most trouble with the kids who act like I acted in school. The kids who cut class. The kids who have the dumbest excuses for why they don’t have an assignment done. It’s a script writing class. If you’re making up an excuse, make it creative. Tell me that the FBI impounded your laptop because they think you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Tell me you were kidnapped by Majorcan rebels who only released you today because they found out that your ’92 Subaru wagon isn’t going to get them the ransom money they were hoping for. But don’t tell me you didn’t get it done because your grandpa died. That’s what grandpas do. I know you loved him. But if he were still here he’d tell you to finish your script, then break out your beer bong and mourn properly. Now, as for the kids who are doing the work, well there’s been an adjustment period but we’re starting to make some progress. For a while they didn’t respect me because I’ve worked in television and they think to be an artist you have to make commercially unsuccessful films. I finally convinced them that you can make money and art.
Marc to class – Okay, I’m going to name some films that made money and you tell me whether they’re art or commercial crap – Gandhi?
Michael – Art.
*Sitting next to Michael is Little Orphan Annie’s dog, Sandy. When Michael says, “Art,” the cartoon balloon over Sandy reads, “Arf.”
Marc – Good. No Country For Old Men?
Michael – Art
*Again, Sandy’s balloon reads, “Arf”.
Marc – The English Patient
MICHAEL – Commercial crap?
*The balloon above Sandy reads, “Commercial crap.”
Marc – Good. – Now do you know how many artists who make films started in television? Lots. Tom Hanks, Bosom Buddies. George Clooney, Facts of Life, E R, lot’s of TV. You want directors? Ron Howard, Ed Zwick, Garry Marshal. The list goes on and on.
MICHAEL – Yeah, but what about real film people. Johnny Depp.
MARC – Johnny Depp was the original Screech on Saved By The Bell. Screech was going to be the cool one. Depp didn’t get along with Mario Lopez and gave the producers an ultimatum – it’s him or me. They went with Mario and replaced Johnny Depp with Dustin Diamond.
MICHAEL – No way.
*Sandy’s balloon reads, “Grrrrrrrrrrr.”
MARC – Way.
MICHAEL – Okay, Spike Lee.
MARC – Spike Lee played Steve Urkel for the entire third season of Family Matters when Jaleel White was embroiled in a contract dispute.
MICHAEL – Is that true?
*Sandy’s balloon reads, “????????” and we hear him whine.
MARC BACK IN ALLEY – Okay, so I lie to them. So what? It’s not like I’m having a torrid affair with a pretty co-ed. I’m just having some fun. And if you decide to teach and share your knowledge, you’ll have fun too. So do it. That’s what I think. Let me know what you think. I’m Marc at Boomer Alley dot COM.
