Don’t Be Afraid To Open Your AARP Mail – Script
October 10th, 2008 | Published in Scripts
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DON’T BE AFRAID TO OPEN YOUR AARP MAIL
The other day, a guy I know at the gym was telling me that he was depressed because he had just turned fifty and he’d already received his first letter from AARP, the American Association of Retired Persons. I asked him if he’d opened it and he said, “No way. I’m afraid to.”
Here’s the thing, if you’re a Boomer who hasn’t turned the big 5-0 yet, you need to know this: Somehow, on the very day you turn 50, you’re going to start getting mail from AARP. And nobody opens AARP mail when they first get it. It’s too damned scary. You’re going handle that thing like somebody mailed you anthrax. You’re going to want the bomb squad to take it away. Because you know what’s in that envelope, it’s old age. The first time I got mail from AARP, it reminded me of when I got my draft notice. But instead of “Greetings from your President,” it said, “Greetings from Father Time.” And just like with my draft notice, I thought to myself, there’s got to be some mistake. I thought I was deferred. I don’t want to go.
So the AARP envelope just sat on the kitchen counter giving me the evil eye. I thought, okay, if I don’t open this, I might never wrinkle. By not reading this, I can actually stop the aging process. So I threw it away. You will too. But they send you another. And you throw that away. And you get another. And you throw that away. And then they send you a free magazine. And they try to trick you by putting somebody cool like Kevin Costner or Jamie Lee Curtis on the cover. And Jamie Lee looks pretty good. Not Trading Places good. But she takes care of herself. You know, she eats that yogurt that keeps her regular. And you start thinking to yourself, well, if Jamie Lee thinks it’s okay for me to be in AARP… So you leaf through the magazine. And that scares you all over again. Because do you know what’s in there? No, not a senior centerfold – that would be too scary. They have senior discounts.
And you’ll think, there’s no way I’m ready for a senior discount. Well, maybe not when you’re fifty. But some places give you a senior discount when you’re fifty-five. And that’s just around the corner from 50. I was at a soccer tournament with my daughter a couple of months ago and we had breakfast at place where you got the senior discount at fifty-five. I had never used a senior discount before. I didn’t want to then. But I was torn between their version of the Grand Slam breakfast, which I knew would kill me because it was like a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, 5 pieces of sausage, hash browns, and triple bypass surgery for $4.99. Or, I could get the “Sensible Senior,” from the mature menu, which was 2 eggs, one piece of bacon, and a slice of whole-wheat toast for 95 cents.
I ordered the “Sensible Senior,” but I was praying that the waitress would card me. I was hoping for, “Sorry, Sir, I’m going to have to see some ID. You can’t be fifty-five.” Instead I got, “For an extra fifty cents you can get a small bowl of prunes.” My daughter couldn’t figure out why I was moody for the rest of the day. In retrospect, I’ve got to admit, the sensible breakfast was pretty good. And now, I actually do belong to AARP.
My wife signed us up. She’s brave. It’s a good deal. They save you money on all sorts of stuff and she doesn’t make me read the mail they send. And I do kind of like the magazine. I just wish they had senior discounts for things I really want – like why can’t Porsche have a senior discount? Anyway, that’s what I think. Let me know what you think. I’m Marc at BoomerAlley.com
