Hey, Boomers, guess what we’re talking about this week. Did you guess deer hunting? Really? Okay, first, let me say, I really have nothing against hunting. I don’t hunt myself, but I know people who do. And from what I can tell most hunters are environmentalists who care about preserving wildlife, they teach their kids about being good stewards of the land, they just like to shoot wabbits and varmints. Now, most of what I know about hunting I’ve learned from watching those early Saturday morning hunting shows on ESPN. If I’m up early enough my only real TV choices are hunting shows or Chef Tony hawking those Miracle Blade knives. Well, my wife’s made me promise not to buy any more kitchen crap on television since over the years I’ve fallen for dehydrators, juicers, bread makers, set it and forget it ovens, magic defrosting trays, gadgets to make watermelons look like pirate ships…basically I can’t be left alone with a TV remote and a credit card, so now when I’m desperate, I watch hunting shows. Now, on television deer hunters are always wearing camouflage. Lot’s of camouflage. They even cover their faces. They have to completely blend in with the woods. If a deer spots a hunter, they’ll take off.  Well, I decided I wanted to give it a try. But I wanted to make it a little more fair for the deer. So instead of the wearing camouflage, I decided to wear…this orange jacket. I know what you’re thinking. Marc, no way you’re going to get close to buck wearing this, right?

CUT TO: 18 SEC. IN –“ I don’t have my camouflage on. Go through “This is a ten point buck.”

Okay, so maybe I got lucky. I shot that video on a dark snowy day during rutting season and like a lot of us guys, after rutting, maybe the big guy didn’t want to talk or snuggle. He just wanted to chill out. Or maybe he was confused. We’ve all seen those “deer crossing” signs. Maybe he thought I was a crossing guard. Now when I watch hunting shows, I have to turn the sound way up because the hunters are always whispering. If a buck hears you, bing they’re gone. Once again I decided to make things tougher. I went hunting using…a boom box.

Lay in music – CUT TO: 1:44 – “I don’t think the music is freaking him out”  Then go to 2:05 with new voice over

“There he is. Hey, don’t leave. What’s the matter, you don’t like this song? 

BACK TO ALLEY

On hunting shows the guys go into the woods and hide in a blind, sitting motionless for hours waiting for the perfect buck to come along.

VIDEO 3:23… NEW VOICE OVER I was walking on my driveway. Well, what have we here? STOP AT 3:25 Another buck! Bang, Bang.

Who are these guys on the hunting shows kidding? They use deer calls, and stuff that makes you smell like a deer. You want to bag a buck? Try a hand full of corn and a baseball bat. VIDEO 4:17 – Here’s a buck I saw deep in the primordial forest. No, wait. That’s not the primordial forest. That’s my backyard. My neighborhood is crawling with deer. They’re like rats with horns. Want to know the best way to sneak up on a deer? VIDEO 5:15 – Use a Toyota. STOP AT VIDEO 5: 19 – Excuse me? Hello? Bang Bang.  VIDEO 5:44 – And here’s one more – Bang, bang, bang. Yikes and another one! Bang bang. Bang bang.

At least some of the hunters on TV try to make it interesting. They use a bow and arrow instead of a rifle with a scope. They have to get pretty close to get a good shot at a buck. Me? I use my cell phone camera. Here’s what I got.  PIC OF BUCK BY FENCE.  Nice rack, huh.

I’m really into hunting now. Next week, I’m going bear hunting which means I can either do what they do on the hunting shows, get an ATV, go deep into the forest, track the bear for hours, and maybe, just maybe I’ll get a glimpse of one. Or, I can just set up my beach chair and hang out by my garbage cans. PIC OF BEAR IN GARBAGE  Hey, if you have any hunting stories visit Boomer Alley dot com and share them with us. I’m Marc at Boomer Alley dot com.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO OPEN YOUR AARP MAIL

The other day, a guy I know at the gym was telling me that he was depressed because he had just turned fifty and he’d already received his first letter from AARP, the American Association of Retired Persons. I asked him if he’d opened it and he said, “No way. I’m afraid to.”

Here’s the thing, if you’re a Boomer who hasn’t turned the big 5-0 yet, you need to know this: Somehow, on the very day you turn 50, you’re going to start getting mail from AARP. And nobody opens AARP mail when they first get it. It’s too damned scary. You’re going handle that thing like somebody mailed you anthrax. You’re going to want the bomb squad to take it away. Because you know what’s in that envelope, it’s old age. The first time I got mail from AARP, it reminded me of when I got my draft notice. But instead of “Greetings from your President,” it said, “Greetings from Father Time.” And just like with my draft notice, I thought to myself, there’s got to be some mistake. I thought I was deferred. I don’t want to go.

So the AARP envelope just sat on the kitchen counter giving me the evil eye. I thought, okay, if I don’t open this, I might never wrinkle. By not reading this, I can actually stop the aging process. So I threw it away. You will too. But they send you another. And you throw that away. And you get another. And you throw that away. And then they send you a free magazine. And they try to trick you by putting somebody cool like Kevin Costner or Jamie Lee Curtis on the cover. And Jamie Lee looks pretty good. Not Trading Places good. But she takes care of herself. You know, she eats that yogurt that keeps her regular. And you start thinking to yourself, well, if Jamie Lee thinks it’s okay for me to be in AARP… So you leaf through the magazine. And that scares you all over again. Because do you know what’s in there? No, not a senior centerfold – that would be too scary. They have senior discounts.

And you’ll think, there’s no way I’m ready for a senior discount. Well, maybe not when you’re fifty. But some places give you a senior discount when you’re fifty-five. And that’s just around the corner from 50. I was at a soccer tournament with my daughter a couple of months ago and we had breakfast at place where you got the senior discount at fifty-five. I had never used a senior discount before. I didn’t want to then. But I was torn between their version of the Grand Slam breakfast, which I knew would kill me because it was like a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, 5 pieces of sausage, hash browns, and triple bypass surgery for $4.99. Or, I could get the “Sensible Senior,” from the mature menu, which was 2 eggs, one piece of bacon, and a slice of whole-wheat toast for 95 cents.

I ordered the “Sensible Senior,” but I was praying that the waitress would card me. I was hoping for, “Sorry, Sir, I’m going to have to see some ID. You can’t be fifty-five.” Instead I got, “For an extra fifty cents you can get a small bowl of prunes.” My daughter couldn’t figure out why I was moody for the rest of the day. In retrospect, I’ve got to admit, the sensible breakfast was pretty good. And now, I actually do belong to AARP.

My wife signed us up. She’s brave. It’s a good deal. They save you money on all sorts of stuff and she doesn’t make me read the mail they send. And I do kind of like the magazine. I just wish they had senior discounts for things I really want – like why can’t Porsche have a senior discount? Anyway, that’s what I think. Let me know what you think. I’m Marc at BoomerAlley.com

Well, it’s Thanksgiving week. And I’m excited. It’s by far my favorite holiday. I think because it’s the one holiday that hasn’t been hijacked by Hallmark. We don’t have to buy things for each other or decorate anything. Oh, you can dress up as a Pilgrim or a turkey if you want to. But no one expects you too. It’s not a windfall for candy companies or florists. The only thing we’re really supposed to do is be thankful. 

With that in mind, here’s what I’m thankful for this year. I’m thankful for knee surgery. Actually for science in general. They haven’t exactly found the fountain of youth. But they have invented enough spare parts to make things easier for Boomers.  Granted, some day we may have so many new parts that we’ll all look like Herman Munster, but there are enough Boomers that when the time comes, that’ll be considered a good look.

I had my knee scoped this year, and thankfully, it works better. I’m thankful that I can still beat my son at arm wrestling. He’s 22 now and he was sure that this was the year he’d beat me. My wife thinks it’s nuts that I even care about that. But you dads understand. It’s an Alpha male thing.  He’ll beat me some day. But, thankfully, not yet Buddy Boy. I’m thankful that I don’t have to have a Blackberry. I don’t want to always be in the loop. There are times that I don’t want people to be able to reach me. When? When I’m driving the Bat mobile and fighting crime. What do you care? Thankfully, it’s none of your business.

I’m thankful that I still love my wife and that she seems to still love me. Sometimes people ask me what’s the secret to a long successful marriage. In a lot of ways, I think it’s just dumb luck. So, I’m thankful that I’m both dumb and lucky. I’m thankful for all the people who are working with me on Boomer Alley.  I’m thankful that they’re willing to share their time and talents to see what this can become. And I’m thankful to you guys for watching. 

Finally, I’m thankful for Thanksgiving dinner. All my kids will be home. We’ll be joined by some friends. I know we’ll have a lot of laughs. And we’ll count our blessings.  Thanksgiving. It’s the best. That’s what I think.  Visit Boomer Alley and let us know what you think. I’m Marc at Boomer Alley dot com. 

Like a lot of Boomers, I’ve thought about teaching as a way of sharing some of the knowledge I’ve gained over the years.  No, not how to make a really good Mojeto. College kids know how to do that. No, I recently got a call from the local university asking me to teach script writing for a semester. I’d be filling in for someone going on sabbatical. Now in show business “going on sabbatical” usually means “going to rehab.” So, I figured, no sweat.  I’d be filling in for some professorial boozehound. You know, it would be like if Otis, the town drunk had tenure.  I thought I’d go into the classroom, dazzle them with funny stories about my days in network television, teach them a couple of tricks of the trade like how stealing an idea from someone isn’t really stealing if you call it an homage. And, at the same time, I’d find out if I liked teaching any more than I liked going to school. Well, I guess my attitude has kind of gotten me off on the wrong foot. It turns out that in academia, when somebody goes on sabbatical, they’re not playing badminton at the Betty Ford Clinic. They actually go off and do academia stuff.  I knew I was in trouble my very first day in class.

Marc in class – So, how many of you are fans of The Golden Girls or Laverne & Shirley?

Shot of bored students from Kona Coffee video.

Marc in Alley – No TV fans – not good. I was counting on a room full of students like I was in school: under achievers who spent their youth glued to the boob tube – worshiping at the altar of shows like Knight Rider – not the new homage Knight Rider that NBC is bringing back this fall. The original one.

MARC IN CLASS – Well what shows do you like?

STUDENT #1 – We’re not interested in the bourgeois, sell-out-for-cash-instead-of-creating-art world of TV. You know, except for MTV’s Pimp My Ride. But that’s about the art of pimping your ride, man.  We want to be filmmakers. That’s why we took this course, to learn from Pedlosky.

MARC- Who?

STUDENT #1 Pedlosky. God, don’t tell me you were so busy making mindless pap that you don’t know one of the greatest filmmakers of all time.

MARC – Hey, I worked on quality shows like The Golden Girls.

STUDENT #1 – You also did The Sinbad Show, Platypus Man, and something called Blansky’s Beauties.

MARC IN CLASS  - Damn you, Google.

MARC IN ALLEY – Okay, so I’ve never heard of the guy I’m filling in for, Pedlosky. And maybe I’m in denial, but I figure if I haven’t heard of him, maybe he isn’t as big a deal as these kids think he is. I needed to find out more so I went home and did a quick online search to see what other filmmakers who I had heard of thought of this Pedlosky guy.

CLIPS OF TARENTINO AND SCORSESE TALKING ABOUT PEDLOSKY. THEY PROCLAIM HIS GENIUS. HERE ARE THE LINKS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6r-dhXhUckI&feature=related

Scorsese    6:50 – “When I watched those films on TV …

Tarentino – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqTxs2nxmh0

32:06 -  34:40

MARC IN ALLEY – Suddenly I’m not in denial anymore. I’m in deep doo doo. Maybe the university has replaced a real artist and sent in a hack. I don’t know what to do. I’d like to drop the course, but as it turns out, you can’t do that if you’re teaching it. I’ve got to figure something out.  I feel like…well kind of like Laverne & Shirley felt when they thought they were too stupid to go to night school. That was a good episode. At least that’s what I think. Let me know what you think. I’m Marc at Boomer alley dot com.

Dissolve to:

Marc – Hey, if you’ve got an idea for a Boomer Alley video, text it to me – text it to 50500 with Boomer in the subject line. Now I know I just sent some of you Boomers into an apoplectic fit. Text! He wants me to text! – Check out the new Boomer Alley how to text video and get with the program. It’s easy and if you need help, ask your kids. It’s a good excuse to talk to them.

 There are certain films that define a generation. That’s certainly the case for us Boomers. Now your list may vary slightly from my list, but there are certain films that resonate like no others. Here’s my top three. Number One: The Graduate. I think I saw it five times when it came out. It captured the generational schism. It expressed the frustration of us all, politically, sexually, perfectly. Number Two: Deer Hunter. An epic tale of the war that forever stamped it’s mark on baby boomers. It’s the story of those who went, those who stayed, and those who died. Every performance was a gem. It was and is a masterpiece. Number Three: RoboCop. It was just so cool. And he had that huge gun.

IN ROBOCOP VOICE: Stop in the name of the law. Stop. What are you crazy? I’m RoboCop.

NORMAL: Okay, so obviously, I know my films, right? Well, like I told you last week, I’m teaching a screen writing course at the local university, and I’m not getting along with the kids. They think I’m a hack because I worked in television. And they worship the guy I’m filling in for; this “film maker,” Ivan Pedlosky. You never heard of him, right? I bet you never heard of his most famous film either. It was entitled, “Light Bulb – Water – Germans Moving.” They talk about it as if God made a movie. It sucks. Rent it some time, you’ll see what I mean. Here, I’ll show you a clip.

THE MOVIE

Light Bulb on – Ein licht.

Light Bulb off – Nacht

Light Bulb on – Ein Licht.

Light Bulb off – Nact

Light Bulb on with glass of water – Ein licht und vaser – Acht du libe!

Back to Marc

I don’t get. I’m not sure there’s anything to get. I asked the class what they think it means.

IN CLASSROOM

MICHAEL – You don’t get it because it’s art, man. Without light you have darkness. Without darkness you have light.

MARC- And the water?

MICHAEL – Well, you have to have water. You’re just incapable of understanding the metaphor.

MARC – I’m incapable of understanding metaphor? Do you remember last time when I showed you the Laverne & Shirley episode where they tag team wrestle? Remember when Lenny and Squiggy were in the ring and Carmine didn’t want to box with Squiggy. You didn’t get that that was a cry for world peace? When Laverne asks Lenny why he’s throwing bacon to the crowd and he says, “Gee, Laverne, everyone loves bacon.”  That means we’re all brothers. We’re all the same. We all love bacon. Even those who are kosher secretly love bacon.

MICHAEL – I guess I really didn’t think about it enough. Sorry.

MARC IN ALLEY – Kids. It’s so easy to mess with their minds. But the important thing is to teach them values. Like, I think maybe five hundred people have ever seen Pedlosky’s film. Four hundred of those were Germans. Twenty million people a week used to watch Laverne & Shirley. You know how much money he made? Zero Deuchmarks. You know how much each episode of Laverne & Shirley made. Values. That’s the important thing. At least that’s what I think. Let me know what you think. I’m Marc at Boomer Alley dot com. 

THE COOLEST TEACHER ON CAMPUS

Over the past couple of weeks we’ve been talking about teaching in college. It’s something that a lot of Boomers think they might like to try. It’s something I’ve thought about over the years, and now that I’m teaching, well it’s nothing like the fantasy. I know it’s kind of shallow, but I wanted to be the coolest teacher on campus. Bright, witty, adored by my students, especially some beautiful young co-ed. She’d worship me. We’d have a brief torrid affair. I’d introduce her to the music of The Monkeys and The 1910 Fruit Gum Company. I’d come thiiiiis close to throwing my life away but then come to my senses, break her heart, and go back to my loving wife having had a totally awesome mid-life crisis. It would be my life as the perfect bad Michael Douglas movie. Well, it’s not like that at all. First of all, the prettiest co-ed in my class, I keep thinking that I want to fix her up with my son. I know that’s healthy, but I really hate it. Secondly, the coolest teacher on campus is about twenty-eight years old. I hate that too. My only shot is to be the coolest really old guy on campus. Ya Hoo.  And thirdly, when it comes to the actual teaching, there are problems. The thing is I was never much of a student myself and it turns out that I’m having the most trouble with the kids who act like I acted in school. The kids who cut class. The kids who have the dumbest excuses for why they don’t have an assignment done. It’s a script writing class. If you’re making up an excuse, make it creative. Tell me that the FBI impounded your laptop because they think you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Tell me you were kidnapped by Majorcan rebels who only released you today because they found out that your ’92 Subaru wagon isn’t going to get them the ransom money they were hoping for.  But don’t tell me you didn’t get it done because your grandpa died. That’s what grandpas do. I know you loved him. But if he were still here he’d tell you to finish your script, then break out your beer bong and mourn properly.  Now, as for the kids who are doing the work, well there’s been an adjustment period but we’re starting to make some progress. For a while they didn’t respect me because I’ve worked in television and they think to be an artist you have to make commercially unsuccessful films. I finally convinced them that you can make money and art.

Marc to class – Okay, I’m going to name some films that made money and you tell me whether they’re art or commercial crap – Gandhi?

Michael – Art.

*Sitting next to Michael is Little Orphan Annie’s dog, Sandy. When Michael says, “Art,” the cartoon balloon over Sandy reads, “Arf.”

Marc – Good. No Country For Old Men?

Michael – Art

*Again, Sandy’s balloon reads, “Arf”.

Marc – The English Patient

MICHAEL – Commercial crap?

*The balloon above Sandy reads, “Commercial crap.”

Marc – Good. – Now do you know how many artists who make films started in television? Lots. Tom Hanks, Bosom Buddies. George Clooney, Facts of Life, E R, lot’s of TV.  You want directors? Ron Howard, Ed Zwick, Garry Marshal. The list goes on and on.

MICHAEL – Yeah, but what about real film people. Johnny Depp.

MARC – Johnny Depp was the original Screech on Saved By The Bell. Screech was going to be the cool one. Depp didn’t get along with Mario Lopez and gave the producers an ultimatum – it’s him or me. They went with Mario and replaced Johnny Depp with Dustin Diamond.

MICHAEL – No way.

*Sandy’s balloon reads, “Grrrrrrrrrrr.”

MARC  – Way.

MICHAEL – Okay, Spike Lee.

MARC – Spike Lee played Steve Urkel for the entire third season of Family Matters when Jaleel White was embroiled in a contract dispute.

MICHAEL – Is that true?

*Sandy’s balloon reads, “????????” and we hear him whine.

MARC BACK IN ALLEY – Okay, so I lie to them. So what? It’s not like I’m having a torrid affair with a pretty co-ed. I’m just having some fun. And if you decide to teach and share your knowledge, you’ll have fun too. So do it. That’s what I think. Let me know what you think. I’m Marc at Boomer Alley dot COM.